I think i finally drove myself crazy. Over the edge. I don't know how or why it's happening now. I have no clue why i feel so shitty. I just need someone to understand and stop questioning me. Stop trying to fucking tell me what i'm feeling and how i'm over doing it. It's me. I feel shitty, i will express it. All i need is for you to listen, to try to understand me. At least get to know me. You don't even fucking try. 


He reall hasn't.

that everything in life always loses it's shine. Not just material things, but things such as love and friendship. At first, it's new and fun, you're genuinely happy with certain things in your life. Then slowly it all fades into nothing, and before you can even realize what's happening, it's gone. Maybe love isn't always something that stays perfect and flawless forever, maybe it has to be hurt and tarnished first before you can really let yourself take that full plunge. Things won't always be perfect, it's all a matter of patience and true motivation to keep it alive. When you can realize that a person is flawed and human, maybe you can actually start falling in love. Everyone always searches to find the answers to love, always speculating and making excuses for why it does or doesn't fail. But, no one person could ever tell you for yourself. You have to learn and find the answers on your own. It's a fucking journey, one that never stops, but once it's finally over you'll know that it was worth it all along. Love and hatred really aren't that different from eachother after all. 

Fucking crazy. It's all a one big mess of feelings rolled into one. One minute you're screaming at eachother over every little problem you have, the next you're making out without a care who sees. I hate the crazy twists and turns it takes you on in one day alone. Imagine months, years of the rollercoaster. And more. It's surprising what people put themselves through just for someone to say three little words. One of the shortest sentences anyone could ever say, but such a major rollercoaster it takes you on. I say fuck it all. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I want to run and scream because i know what's happening. I'm falling. I'm letting him take control and let me just jump with him. But, sometimes i don't know if i want to jump with him or not. Somehow, being in that moment with him and just feelingg

As always it's been such a long time since anything has been written in this thing..
Changes are obvious, i don't need to list them all.
But i'm also happy. Romantically, that is. For the most part. Things need to get a little better, but i also need to learn how to be patient...tough thing for me to do. I don't want to go into all the ways he makes me smile or cry or how his touch just weakens my heart. That would all be too mushy. Saying that i love his is such an understatement. I don't need to prove to anyone how much i care for him. It's not about that anymore.
It's not about what people think of us together, or how they see us. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. WE know what's real. There's nothing else needed.
I would just love to get away with him.
Even just for a full day. To spend time talking and laughing or maybe just even sleeping a little. Just being in his presence makes the day that much more memorable.
If it wasn't for all the people and the disrtactions, we could just be. Just be together.
And to look at my life in a couple years, who knows what's going to happen?
I wish i could just say yeah, we're getting married and living happily ever after. But, what is that?

It's whatever I make it.

I wish i could just wash away all the problems and lies that ever caused me pain.
I wish i could see through the bad, and know that good will come some day.
Too many secrets and too many lies, all of it bundled up inside of me, just waiting to spill out later.
I know it will come, i know more is coming. I wish i could just stop it.
How can i prevent the hurt?
This crazy optimistic side of me won't last much longer.
I can't believe it's lasted this long.
There's really no one else to blame for it, just me.
And maybe that's why it bothers me so much.
If i could just put the blame on everyone else then i wouldn't hurt as bad..
But there's nothing i can say that will make what i've done to hurt others.
I know i have, and i keep on doing it.
The one person i care for so much, the same person who hurt me, the same person who lied, the same person i said i'd never get close to again, well, i know i've hurt him.
And maybe he'll never actually know about it, but i will.
I will know that although he hurt me, i've hurt him too.
So we're even, i guess you could say.
I want so much that i can never have.
There are times when i can almost grasp it, almost taste everything i've wanted.
But it slowly disappeares as i realize nothing is ever what it seems.
Why does life take you through this circle?
I don't understand why it all has to be so fuckin difficult.
I look at myself and i can't even begin to think about what i'll be like later on.
It's almost scary to me.
To see me as an adult, trying just as i am now.
And failing still.
It won't change for me.

It's a difficult situation to be in.
Do I want this or is it just the good feeling?
I'm not so sure anymore. I love him but sometimes i think something new would be better.
I've been down this road before and i'm almost positive that it'll end the same.
So, why am I even putting up with it?
But, i'm getting him back now....right?
Isn't that what i've always wanted to do? Get revenge on him for hurting me.
Well, i got it and it's no different.
I just dug myself even deeper into this whole. And i keep filling it up with all these lies and i wonder how i'll ever get myself out of it.
He's so attatched..i feel like i just NEED to be there.
But if he only knew what i did behind his back.
I doubt he thought that way when he did it to me though...
So, there shouldn't be any guilt.
i only ever feel shitty when i'm with someone.
I thought it was supposed to be the opposite.
Ugh. I'm so sick of this endless shit.

Sometimes thats all i can do.
Life just goes on and on and i spent so much time dwelling on the past.
Now that i'm looking forward, i can't believe how much time i've wasted.
It's so much better if i just live instead of feeling dead everyday.
I couldn't have ever imagined that i feel this way ever. I was going down the wrong road fast and i didn't think it'd ever end.
But there's just simple things that i notice that make it all worth it.
I never thought life was worth it and i know that there will be times later on when i feel that way again. But...i'm glad that i've realized the things around me.
Things pretty much suck for me...but there are the few good things that keep me going.
I'm glad i have them. I just need something. It doesn't have to be a guy or medicine, it can be the simple fact that i know people care...or my friends that i still have.
I guess i always just felt that i needed that one person to make it all better.
But the longer i'm alone, the more i see that i really don't need anyone to make it all better.
At first its hard because they were like my crutch and without them i felt i couldn't walk. But soon, i learned how to walk on my own. It took some time, but i think i'm stronger now than i ever have been.
And i can finally say that and mean it.
what a fuckin surprise.
Life is unpredictable.
Thats really the only word that can sum it all up.
I will never predict whats coming next.
Maybe i don't want to....

What's missing?
Is it the feeling of belonging to someone for more than just physical puposes?
Or maybe it's the fact that I'm alone and I probably will be for a while.
Do I really need someone? Or do I just find the idea comforting?
Sometimes I question it all because I really don't know what i need. What if i find that person and I'm with them, but it's not all i had made it out to be?
Is there even anything missing at all? I wish someone could answer my questions.
I make it all so much harder than it really has to be.
Being alone isn't all that bad....
Or maybe it's just i've forgotten what's its like to be with someone.
I fill this emptyness with things that i think will make it go away.
But in fact it just holds that space for a little while. It doesn't really cover it up.
It's still there and it will always be there.
Until the day i can accept it or change it.
How do i go about doing that?
And what if i don't want love? Who honestly wants something that hurts so bad?
What could possibly make me want something for a short period of time only to be thrown in my face later on.
And who knows how long?
I don't know what i want.
Fuck it all.










Life is a test, and I get that much.