Life is a test, but I get bad marks.

I'm not sure anymore

2009-09-10T03:37:28Z

Things have gone up to the point of pure happiness, then completly downhill once again. I don't even know where i'm going anymore, i don't know what to think, or even how to cope. My emotions are a jumble and i just feel like a huge mess. This seems to be the case as always though. When am i ever fully satisfied wtih anything in my life? Never even content..
Too insecure, pessimistic and scared. I don't know how to let myself just BE. I'm constantly questioning myself and my motives. I want so much for myself but i don't even know how to go about getting anything i want.
I can't even express myself. I guess i'll just let it all build up until one day i snap.

Slut

2008-08-20T22:43:00Z

I'm honeslty everything I hate. I talk shit and put others down for their fuckiing mistakes, even though i'm just as bad as them. Maybe even worse..
Fucking hypocrite. Ungrateful, worthless whore.
That's who i am. I made myself this way. Even if I have changed i will always be those things. The one person i trust completely, love with all my heart, thinks i'm worthless. How could anyone love me for who i am if who i am is just a whore.
Regret is a waste of time. It has all happened, i let it.
I can only blame myself.

I think i'm crazy.

2007-11-10T22:39:40Z

I think i finally drove myself crazy. Over the edge. I don't know how or why it's happening now. I have no clue why i feel so shitty. I just need someone to understand and stop questioning me. Stop trying to fucking tell me what i'm feeling and how i'm over doing it. It's me. I feel shitty, i will express it. All i need is for you to listen, to try to understand me. At least get to know me. You don't even fucking try.

He reall hasn't.

I've come to realize

2007-11-02T23:27:22Z

that everything in life always loses it's shine. Not just material things, but things such as love and friendship. At first, it's new and fun, you're genuinely happy with certain things in your life. Then slowly it all fades into nothing, and before you can even realize what's happening, it's gone. Maybe love isn't always something that stays perfect and flawless forever, maybe it has to be hurt and tarnished first before you can really let yourself take that full plunge. Things won't always be perfect, it's all a matter of patience and true motivation to keep it alive. When you can realize that a person is flawed and human, maybe you can actually start falling in love. Everyone always searches to find the answers to love, always speculating and making excuses for why it does or doesn't fail. But, no one person could ever tell you for yourself. You have to learn and find the answers on your own. It's a fucking journey, one that never stops, but once it's finally over you'll know that it was worth it all along. Love and hatred really aren't that different from eachother after all.

Love is

2007-10-27T02:37:58Z

Fucking crazy. It's all a one big mess of feelings rolled into one. One minute you're screaming at eachother over every little problem you have, the next you're making out without a care who sees. I hate the crazy twists and turns it takes you on in one day alone. Imagine months, years of the rollercoaster. And more. It's surprising what people put themselves through just for someone to say three little words. One of the shortest sentences anyone could ever say, but such a major rollercoaster it takes you on. I say fuck it all. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I want to run and scream because i know what's happening. I'm falling. I'm letting him take control and let me just jump with him. But, sometimes i don't know if i want to jump with him or not. Somehow, being in that moment with him and just feelingg

Been A While

2007-10-23T00:50:09Z

As always it's been such a long time since anything has been written in this thing..
Changes are obvious, i don't need to list them all.
But i'm also happy. Romantically, that is. For the most part. Things need to get a little better, but i also need to learn how to be patient...tough thing for me to do. I don't want to go into all the ways he makes me smile or cry or how his touch just weakens my heart. That would all be too mushy. Saying that i love his is such an understatement. I don't need to prove to anyone how much i care for him. It's not about that anymore.
It's not about what people think of us together, or how they see us. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. WE know what's real. There's nothing else needed.
I would just love to get away with him.
Even just for a full day. To spend time talking and laughing or maybe just even sleeping a little. Just being in his presence makes the day that much more memorable.
If it wasn't for all the people and the disrtactions, we could just be. Just be together.
And to look at my life in a couple years, who knows what's going to happen?
I wish i could just say yeah, we're getting married and living happily ever after. But, what is that?

It's whatever I make it.

No matter how good it feels, it's all still a lie.

2007-03-11T21:26:58Z

I wish i could just wash away all the problems and lies that ever caused me pain.
I wish i could see through the bad, and know that good will come some day.
Too many secrets and too many lies, all of it bundled up inside of me, just waiting to spill out later.
I know it will come, i know more is coming. I wish i could just stop it.
How can i prevent the hurt?
This crazy optimistic side of me won't last much longer.
I can't believe it's lasted this long.
There's really no one else to blame for it, just me.
And maybe that's why it bothers me so much.
If i could just put the blame on everyone else then i wouldn't hurt as bad..
But there's nothing i can say that will make what i've done to hurt others.
I know i have, and i keep on doing it.
The one person i care for so much, the same person who hurt me, the same person who lied, the same person i said i'd never get close to again, well, i know i've hurt him.
And maybe he'll never actually know about it, but i will.
I will know that although he hurt me, i've hurt him too.
So we're even, i guess you could say.
I want so much that i can never have.
There are times when i can almost grasp it, almost taste everything i've wanted.
But it slowly disappeares as i realize nothing is ever what it seems.
Why does life take you through this circle?
I don't understand why it all has to be so fuckin difficult.
I look at myself and i can't even begin to think about what i'll be like later on.
It's almost scary to me.
To see me as an adult, trying just as i am now.
And failing still.
It won't change for me.

I'm everything I hate.

2007-03-08T01:53:59Z

It's a difficult situation to be in.
Do I want this or is it just the good feeling?
I'm not so sure anymore. I love him but sometimes i think something new would be better.
I've been down this road before and i'm almost positive that it'll end the same.
So, why am I even putting up with it?
But, i'm getting him back now....right?
Isn't that what i've always wanted to do? Get revenge on him for hurting me.
Well, i got it and it's no different.
I just dug myself even deeper into this whole. And i keep filling it up with all these lies and i wonder how i'll ever get myself out of it.
He's so attatched..i feel like i just NEED to be there.
But if he only knew what i did behind his back.
I doubt he thought that way when he did it to me though...
So, there shouldn't be any guilt.
i only ever feel shitty when i'm with someone.
I thought it was supposed to be the opposite.
Ugh. I'm so sick of this endless shit.

Just breathe.

2007-02-25T02:09:21Z

Sometimes thats all i can do.
Life just goes on and on and i spent so much time dwelling on the past.
Now that i'm looking forward, i can't believe how much time i've wasted.
It's so much better if i just live instead of feeling dead everyday.
I couldn't have ever imagined that i feel this way ever. I was going down the wrong road fast and i didn't think it'd ever end.
But there's just simple things that i notice that make it all worth it.
I never thought life was worth it and i know that there will be times later on when i feel that way again. But...i'm glad that i've realized the things around me.
Things pretty much suck for me...but there are the few good things that keep me going.
I'm glad i have them. I just need something. It doesn't have to be a guy or medicine, it can be the simple fact that i know people care...or my friends that i still have.
I guess i always just felt that i needed that one person to make it all better.
But the longer i'm alone, the more i see that i really don't need anyone to make it all better.
At first its hard because they were like my crutch and without them i felt i couldn't walk. But soon, i learned how to walk on my own. It took some time, but i think i'm stronger now than i ever have been.
And i can finally say that and mean it.
what a fuckin surprise.
Life is unpredictable.
Thats really the only word that can sum it all up.
I will never predict whats coming next.
Maybe i don't want to....

Everything good is happening somewhere else.

2007-02-18T19:16:25Z

What's missing?
Is it the feeling of belonging to someone for more than just physical puposes?
Or maybe it's the fact that I'm alone and I probably will be for a while.
Do I really need someone? Or do I just find the idea comforting?
Sometimes I question it all because I really don't know what i need. What if i find that person and I'm with them, but it's not all i had made it out to be?
Is there even anything missing at all? I wish someone could answer my questions.
I make it all so much harder than it really has to be.
Being alone isn't all that bad....
Or maybe it's just i've forgotten what's its like to be with someone.
I fill this emptyness with things that i think will make it go away.
But in fact it just holds that space for a little while. It doesn't really cover it up.
It's still there and it will always be there.
Until the day i can accept it or change it.
How do i go about doing that?
And what if i don't want love? Who honestly wants something that hurts so bad?
What could possibly make me want something for a short period of time only to be thrown in my face later on.
And who knows how long?
I don't know what i want.
Fuck it all.

Life is a test, and I get that much.

Fuck Valentines.

2007-02-15T23:12:00Z

So..I'm over being treated like shit.
He doesn't want to do things my way..but his way is not at all any better.
I guess his way involves only talking to me when HE feels like it.
Fuck trying to get to know eachother. The only thing he wants to know is how to get me into bed faster.
All his bullshit reasons for making me wait, they mean absolutely nothing.
I thought i was almost sure that he was actually putting a little effort into this.
But there was nothing.
Just an occasional hookup when he wanted one.
He walks all over me..makes me feel like nothing at all, and i still wait for him.
Maybe he'll change his mind this time? Nope. I'm sick of him coming over and doing whatever the fuck he wants with me...but afterwards telling me we need to "try to get to know eachother better"
I don't want the occasional hookup..I guess he sees me as some random chick. But that's not how i want to be viewed anymore. Especially not by him.
I wanted to be more to him, and i thought we could work on that. I thought that's what he wanted. But, as he said to me yesterday " we're not together, you aren't my girlfriend...i have BETTER things to buy with my money than a present for you."
How sweet.
All he could've said was a simple no, he had to add on the " I have better things to get"
Way to boost my self esteem.
So, now i'm over this whole game with him. If i wanted to play games i'd go get my fuckin monopoly game or something. I DON'T need this shit with him.
All i wanted was his time, his time to understand me...to even for a fuckin SECOND try to know me. But all he does is drag this stupid game until we've both wasted our times on nothing.
If i would've known this whole thing would have no end, i would'nt have began it in the first place.
I'll let him live his life this way...i'll leave him alone.
If he could only just open his god damn eyes and see that there WAS someone there who wanted him....badly....things would be easier for the both of us.
So he'll just keep dening every girl that ever tries. No one can live up to his super fuckin high standards.
I honestly can't wait around for him to change.
It leaves me with nothing.
I try and try and try...and he never sees it.

Go with the flow.

2007-02-08T22:33:28Z

Thats such an easy thing to say.
But when you're put in a situation where you need to just go with it, it's a lot harder.
I guess if i just go with it all...maybe it'll turn out ok in the end.
i need to be open minded and all that shit. I'm not quite used to that idea, but i know i need to learn to be.
He's different than any other person when it comes to certain things like this.
He wants to "be sure" and i do too...but i didn't know it was in this way.
I'd rather rush right into it...i always think i'm ready and i know whats best.
Maybe i don't. Maybe my ways aren't as safe as i thought they could be.
I need to stop seeing it all so negatively, just because i'm used to it turning out badly...i think the worse is always coming.
Maybe there is no hidden message in what he's saying...or if he's just fuckin around.
Why do i have to always suspect the worse in every situation?
just look at the good.
He wants to be with me. Maybe not now...but he does want to soon.
Thats a positive thing...i think.
Even though its not going my way and its not happening fast enough..maybe it's better this way.
I know i'm starting to feel for him more and more...but it could help me in the long run.
just in case if it doesn't work out...we'll realize that sooner than later when i'm already so involved.
I suppose thats what he's doing too. He's worried about getting hurt. I'm worried about getting hurt.
But i just choose to ignore the fact that it might happen until it actually DOES happen.
And thattsssss where i always fuck up.
This all could prevent a major fuckin breakdown.
Maybe he's right.

What to do?

2007-02-03T16:50:54Z

Wondering if its all just a lost case now.
I've already been over dealing with the constant insecurities and questions.
This hasn't gotten anywhere. It won't be going anywhere.
He doesn't know what he wants, and i can't wait for him to figure it out anymore.
I've waited long enough. He can't expect me to wait forever. Thats just not gonna happen.
It all doesn't matter now. i've put everything off for him. i've been the best i could be for anyone.
There's really nothing more i can do.
So, i'm just going to live my life. Without wondering if maybe today he'll want to talk.
Or maybe today will be like every other day.
I'm not going to keep wondering. There's so much more i can do than just sit around waiting for him.
I want him. But he doesn't want me.
He's given me the push to stop my old ways. But...you know what?
I'm better than i have been my whole life.
I can't stop being me. I can tone it down, but i can't stop the way i am. Naturally this is me.
He can't accept me. He never has been able to. So I can't wait. It's killing me, and obviously doesn't upset him one bit. So, i'll get off his back about it.
i'm done.
I'm only here when he wants me to be. if not, i have no purpose to him. I'm sick of feeling worthless just because he can't seem to make up his mind.
Every god damn time i try to tell myself it'll get better, or today he'll acknowledge i exist as a friend and not just as a random girl he can mess with.
Everyday i'm proven that nothing will ever change, it'll never get anywhere.
Some days it might hurt. Some days it'll be nothing.
But it will just hurt worse if i keep waiting with no satisfaction ever in the near future.
So, i'll just be me. i'll get what i want and i won't worry about him leading me to nothing.

FUCK.

2007-01-30T22:22:37Z

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
Goddd damnit! I haven't wanted something so bad in a long fuckin time.
I want him. I don't care what he says or thinks, i will not change my mind about him.
For some reason i'm fuckin hooked.
But to him, he's so cautious, even more than i am.
He doesn't want to let me in. I want to know him, i want to be more than his friend.
I feel more for him. Something i haven't felt in a while. I wish he could just see that my intentions are good. And i understand him now, even though it was hard to before.
But damn....he's stringing me along on this little game and along the way i've started to want him more and more.
All the while he just doesn't know. Doesn't know if he wants to know me, or if we're just completely wrong for eachother.
I want to take that chance with him.
Fuckkkk.Fuckkkkk fuck fuck fuckkkkk.
GODDDD! I don't know if its the idea of it or if i really really just like him..
I don't know. It's just....
ughh...
When i'm with him it bothers me that he doesn't want to let his gaurd down.
I have.
I feel i really have nothing to lose anymore. I'm taking my chance with him because hes really the only chance thats come up for me. The only guy i am really interested in a lottttttttttttttt.
I'm stuck now. Because whether or not we date, it's going to suck for me.
I'll either keep waiting and hoping he'll realize that he wants me...or i'll wait and he'll see that we just shouldn't be together at all.
then....well..i'll still want him.
No matter what...i'm just going to wait.
For some reason this boy has got me waiting, and he doesn't even know it.
He doesn't even see how badly i do want him.
And yet, I really don't understand why i do.
I want him to see..he's so much more than just a random guy. It kills me to think he actually thinks that.
I wouldn't have put so much effort into this if i felt he was just some guy.
I'm not that pathetic. Although i am acting like a complete fuckin fool for this guy, just for him to lead me on and on on on on on.

Blah blah blah..FAG!

2007-01-29T18:32:20Z

I fuckin hate this endless circle i seem to be in. Every god damn day it's the same fuckin shit that never ends.
One day i think i'm getting a little closer to getting exactly what i want, then i realize i haven't even made it half way there. He doesn't want me. Why don't i understand that?
Nothing I do, no actions i take will change his mind.
Having him come over just to makeout and touch me will not change his fuckin mind.
If he hasn't decided already, he never will. His mind will forever be unmade.
So..do i keep waiting for nothing, or do i just move on?
Move on to what though?
This would've been the closest to happy i would've been if he had just given us a chance.
I know i would've been happy.
I know it. and thats why i wait. I want that happiness that i know i could have.
I can almost feel it, but slowly its just disappearing. Along with the idea that him and i will be together.
Happy.
What a fuckin lie.

Yeah.. so he wants to wait and blah blah blah.
He didn't seem to want to wait when he was over here last week.
He's so hypocritcal to all the things i've done, but yet he was so ready to jump my bones last week.
Why does that not surprise me? The fact that i was too much of a slut for him wasn't reason enough.
We don't know eachother well enough.
Then once he gets to fuckin know me it'll be some other god damn thing wrong.
This boy makes me feel so fuckin inadequate.
Do i not deserve to be in a good relationship?
Or am i just not up to his fuckin high standards?
And god forbide i actually try to have a conversation with him, or him to try to talk to me.
He wants to get to know me but he never even tries to talk to me.
His words and his actions just don't comply.
I don't understand him. Not at all.
But i want him so badly.

I can't stand him. I can't stand the way he thinks.
But i want him more than anything else.
am i so desperate that i want a guy who wants nothing to do with me?
I think so.
Nothing ever changes.
Been on the same damn road for two months.
Haven't gotten anywhere.
But i'm still holding on to what could be. I know the day i fully give up will be the day he finally decides.
I feel like such a fuckin idiot. Everything is up to him and when it's all in someone elses hands, its never good for me.
I end up with shit, and they end up with the fuckin glory.

I don't care about the other guys that want my time or that maybe this is a sign for me to just stay out of relationships.
But i'm not going to listen.
I'm almost close to giving up.
I'm only going to take a little more kicking around from him.
Then i'm over this.
Even though i won't actually be inside.
But on the outside, i'll be just fine.
Or so it seems. for now.

xscarletkiss @ 2006-12-14T03:08:00

2006-12-14T03:08:35Z

It's finally all starting to come and bite me in the ass. My stupid, selfish, crazy acts have finally caught up to me.
I never thought anyone liked me or even fuckin cared.
Now I come to find out...there's someone. Someone I never thought would.
Now he can't be with me. All my mistakes have pushed him away before he could even get close enough.
I want so much more than this..but i will never know. I want to change. I want to show him and everyone else that I am not the girl they think i am.
I don't want to be that girl anymore. It hurts to be seen in that way. I have to change it.
To get what i want...i need to do whatever it takes. I need to stop the bullshit. Now.
I wonder if it's too late though.
He doesn't even know..

It never ends.

2006-11-16T23:47:56Z

Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe it.
I've let myself down..i've let everyone down.
I see myself, i think about all that i've done and i just wish i didn't have to live with myself every day.
Living with this disappointment just brings me down.
so many mistakes. Too many. Regret....there's just no point.
I'm past regret now. I can't even cry. I want to. It just doesn't happen anymore.
The pain is so deep now that crying isn't even an option for me.
And all i do is cause more and more pain.
Once it all starts to slightly diminish...i do it again. and again. so much.
I know what i'm doing. i know that it hurts. i know that i might want to regret it.
But i don't stop.
When you feel like there's no one to trust, no one to understand....it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.
I get so anxious when i start to think about it all. It's like i want to do something about it and i talk myself into getting better...but something else just gets the better of me. I freak out and can't sleep. I want to hurt myself just to know that there is at least one thing that i know no one else can control. But now i can't even do that. I can't cry..i just can't feel anymore.
It's either pain...or nothing.
I don't even know the reasons why anymore.
Thats just part of me. I've gotten so used to this that it's not normal when i feel good.
Why should I anyways?
I don't deserve it.
I'll never find him. That one. No one wants ME. They want IT. And I give IT to them.
So easily.
That's all i'm worth now. No longer is anyone just getting to know ME. They know my body and thats it. And i let me. I give it. All the while thinking maybe this time it'll be different.
This time maybe he'll stick around and try to get to know the person that I am.
It never changes.
I think the same thing everytime. Every fucking time.
i miss the meaning of it all. I miss feeling closer to that person in every way possible. I miss how i feel after. I miss the embrace i get afterward. I miss not feeling cheap and used after. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like it was right and never regret it.
I miss being in love.

xscarletkiss @ 2006-10-31T23:22:00

2006-10-31T23:22:27Z

Life fuckin SUCKS.

What is there to look forward to?
Or to even wake up in the fuckin mornings?
When all anyone ever does is lie and talk shit. No one has anything better to do but to make other people's lives miserable.
I can't stand the things people say and do. I hate how people can just suddenly turn on you. Sometimes for no reason at all.
No one needs a reason anymore I guess.
I feel like everyone is turning their backs on me now. Even the people who promised me they wouldn't.

xscarletkiss @ 2006-10-28T19:00:00

2006-10-28T19:06:31Z

All my bad desicions seem to be catching up to me once again.
But now, it's life threatening. It's not just going to take an emotional toll on me. Now it'll mess me up physically. I'll have to deal with these consequences.
I wanted fun...and this is what it got me.
Do I think i've learned?
Of course I haven't.

xscarletkiss @ 2006-09-03T16:19:00

2006-09-03T20:25:30Z

I don't even know where to start with things anymore.
My choices seem to get worse as the days progress. It's as if my sense of judgement is gone along with him.
Why is it that I almost can't even feel the pain that he has caused?
The words people say to me don't settle inside. I don't believe a thing anyone says. I just can't. They always go back on their word, this I've witnessed too many times before. I can't believe in anyone anymore.
Everytime I let my guard down, I get hurt. I never know what it is that makes me forget that they will alwyas lie to me. They will always let me down. That is just the way it'll always be for me.
I'm prone to being with liars and cheaters and assholes, selfish hypocritical bastards.
I guess thats what I'm attracted to.

Glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget.

2006-08-26T15:51:49Z

Once again. He's gone. I'm nothing. I feel nothing. I don't want to feel. i'm tired of feeling anything.

xscarletkiss @ 2006-08-18T22:07:00

2006-08-19T02:08:47Z

Blah. Blah. I hate people sometimes. They treat me like shit but then expect love in return. It's always been that way. Why is it that I'm just prone to this?
Whatever. It's fucking life.

It's never enough.

2006-08-14T01:34:34Z

I think I'm the most insecure person I know.

No one could ever worry and think that I'm not good enough or that everyone else is better than me, more than I do.
I see him and how he used to look at her and I don't even think I come close to her. Why should I ever?
I never will be. I don't see why he couldn't have just stayed with her anyways. I couldn't possibly be any better. Now all I do is just sit here and question myself, questioning everything. I feel worthless all the time. I don't feel like I could ever measure up to her. I don't understand why he's even with me. I'm too jealous, too insecure, too fucking stupid, too goddamned worried to even enjoy what we have together. I always think he'd rather be talking to someone else. I don't even feel good enough. And even just thinking like this makes me angry. Maybe i'm overreacting or maybe this is just how it'll always be.
I'm never happy.I never thought I'd have to worry like this. Not with him. I'm just so afraid of losing him. More than I have ever worried.
I don't want to need him. I just need to stop caring so fucking much. It's not like he could ever realize how much anything ever affects me. I wouldn't let him know. I'd rather hurt and worry than let him know. I don't want him to feel bad for something that I know is unintentional on his part. When anything bothers me I won't let him know. Ever. I never let anyone know. I'd rather just suffer in my silence, then let it be known that I'm feeling shity.

Whatever. it seems this is the way things will always be. But it's my fucking choice. Can't blame anyone else for it.

My favorite songggg.

2006-08-10T22:20:20Z

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away

So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away

So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You dont even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you
everytime I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

Get out alive.

2006-07-30T16:13:41Z

For some reason I can't seem to grasp the fact that this all is not going to last forever. So why do I still think its ok to fall this way? So deeply and completly once again.
Its amazing how much it hurts when its all over. The hopelessness and need for that person to still be there and love you is always too much for me to handle. I keep thinking back on how it felt and how I told myself that I would never let someone do this too me again. Crying and feeling so weak is not something I like. How someone can just go from making you feel so alive to just making you feel dead inside is enough to make any person never want to fall in love again. But I guess it wasn't enough for me.

Now, I'm stuck again. Maybe worse than before because now I realize it but I won't do a thing about it. What can I do?
I love him. But I really don't want to. It just won't be any good later. And everyday I know it gets worse because I need him more and more. And maybe he feels just the same. But I can never know. I'll assume he does, but one day he could prove all my thoughts and assumptions wrong. Its all a fucking cycle that never ends. I hate it. I guess I just think I need to think as far ahead as I can so I can try to stop myself from getting so hurt that I become that person again. I'm trying to help myself now. I know what will happen. It happened one too many times and I don't want to go back there.
Thats why I do all this. This worrying and planning and thinking. Trying to focus on what could be or will be helps me feel ok for now. Trying to feel as if I have some kind of control over the events in my life. Although I know its pretty much out of my control. But its all I have.
I love that boy. I'm glad I have him. But I'm scared that I have him. I won't always have him.
I wish I could just take this as it is and not think ahead or worry. It prevents me from even fully enjoying it. But its what I do. All so well.